9 minutes ago
What does this word mean to you?
What associations pop into your head when you read it?
For me the meaning of this word has shifted immensely. If there is one major insight this journey has brought me, its that all this time (and by that I actually mean my entire life) what I was really looking for was home.
Funny how your brain sometimes takes a LONG time to put two and two together. But my desire to find a routine, to find quiet, to find a place that feels homey and familiar, ultimately stems from the desire to find a home.
And I think I didn’t understand that until now.
Or maybe I was just afraid to admit it.
My entire life has consisted (and still consists) of traveling and moving. I’ve never lived anywhere for longer than 1,5 years before moving again. I never even hung up pictures on the walls because I always knew, this was just temporary‘. I always knew there was more. Looking back now I understand how this urge to run away came from me trying to squeeze myself into a life that was never mine. I squeezed myself into university, into certain cities, into certain circle of friends,into habits, that were never true to who I was. Of course back then I could never point my finger on what I truly wanted from life. Because (again, now its so obvious) I never even allowed myself to find out what that is, to truly understand myself, to think big, I was too afraid to disappoint people, friends, family.
And then I blamed germany. To a point where I hated it. I hated the country I lived in, I would prefer every single country on this earth over my home. If you asked me back then if I would ever life there later in my life I would’ve laughed in your face. Living in germany to me meant settling, and settling meant failure.
I didn’t only travel to run away, I traveled because I loved and still love to explore this world. But I am realizing now that some trips I’ve taken were planned with the intention of escape, not discovery.
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