33 minutes ago
Two Friday’s ago I was rushing around trying to get ready for work, Ko kept getting all her toys out and making a huge mess it was driving me crazy. Making lunches for the day I left the fridge door open and I heard her saying “water, water” I yelled out just wait 2 seconds later I hear a crash, she’d pulled the glass bottle out and it smashed everywhere. I first checked she hadn’t hurt herself to find she was totally ok and I just cracked, cracked like Gretchen Wieners.
I didn’t pack any lunch, I didn’t pick up any of the shattered glass or spilt water, just picked up my bag and walked out. I cried the entire trip to work, rang my partner and ranted how tough trying to get ready in the mornings is with a toddler having to deal with “the shit show” and continued to cry. I walked into work puffy eyed, blotchy makeup, I’d already done an 8hr shift of the toddler show before my official “work day” had started. My colleagues asked what had happened, my response “I had a Mum morning, there’s shattered glass throughout my entire kitchen and a pool of water & I feel like the shittiest mother on earth”. Mum guilt is real. I was so angry at myself for not being present, not paying attention, rushing around to get to my job when I should be at home with her, if I didn’t work we wouldn’t rush, I wouldn’t lose my patience, It wouldn’t have happened, the list goes on. When I picked her up that evening she ran into my arms smile from ear to ear, this one moment overpowered every single emotion I’d felt earlier in the day but hell I still felt guilty AF. How do you overcome the constant self doubt of parenthood?