3 hours ago
I’m going to offer something ultra-personal here
It’s not something I do
Because I have felt turned off by “complaint forums”
Because I used to believe I was supposed to have it all together, to seem impermeable to struggle and self-doubt
To be the kid or woman that did it all just right, cared for everyone and needed nothing (as I write that I realize I never saw how or who cared for me in that ideal)
Because I’m a yoga teacher, someone people come to looking for wellness, ease, mindfulness
The thing is
I have to step up everyday, all day to offer what it is that I am also learning
I learn as I offer (what you might call “teach”)
That’s the synthesis of wisdom, right?
The moment we take what we’ve heard, read, seen and run it through our own filters of experience, start re-telling it but through a personal lens and there it is new knowledge
By no means “enlightenment”
Some refresh-button semblance of clarity
I’m going through another TT
In the middle of an online component just now
I heard a very thick truth start to reveal itself
Beyond words that are spoken “I don’t like being teased”
Beyond emotions that are not always put into words or even unveiled in interaction
In the depths of what has defined so many of my connectionsuntil now, now that I am doing THIS work
The unraveling is this entry — teasing trivializes connection and meaning.
I’ve always wanted to be loved-seriously.
So, teasing has felt as if love of any kind (& friendship or support of endeavors) isn’t real.
And that has led to my feeling that I can’t or don’t want to share my feelings or experiences or even interests with any person or about any person (not to say I haven’t, but it’s never been with total trust in the value or preciousness the listener has for my heart and our connection)
I’ve learned through the people I loved and trusted the most
Someone will, undoubtedly, trivialize whatever it istell me how it, whatever IT is, is headed for inevitable failure
Translating to, essentially, how unworthy I am of, ultimately, being loved-seriously
Translating into a lack of trust in love or listening (cont👇🏼)